Who Gets The Boot – Chelsea

Editors’ Note: Aaaand we have Part 3 in our gripping, heart-rendering series on loss, betrayal, drama, greed and jealousy, Bold and the Beautiful  Who Gets the Boot © ^TM Here we analyze who or what Chelsea should let go off in the transfer window to stop their balance sheet from resembling Enron or Lehman Brothers. No, Roman Abramovich is not an option.

You can catch the United part of the series here and the Arsenal part of the series here

Let me start this post by saying – what an epic win. So, it took obscene amounts of money, and a tad tasteless (if somewhat understandable) sacking of a perfectly honest man, but Chelsea now have the kind of manager they most need for the next phase of papa Abramovich’s grand project – rebuilding. Andre Villas-Boas, in addition to ticking all the right boxes, also has an absolute treat of a full name. Papers across the globe will never run out of constrictor snake references for articles on him, if they choose to concentrate on anything other than the mini-Mourinho theme, that is.

Anyway, with the manager’s position filled, time to discuss the comings and goings around SW6. Now, as his record suggests, AVB might be quite good, but the second coming of Jesus H Christ he is not. To expect him to go about meeting the demands of his owner with the shattered remains of a double-winning squad would be grade A lunacy -  the kind we have developed a repertoire for with our business dealings in the past few seasons. Also, the funny thing about doing a transfer piece on Chelsea is that logic has no place here. If you caught Roman’s fancy on the TV while he lay in bed with the devoted wife  – welcome to the club. If you shagged the aforementioned wifey after coming here, count your chickens and run before FC Chechnya lodge a mystery bid for you and you are next seen mining oil in his backyard. However, try we must.

Nicolas Anelka – Yes, Nico has stopped sulking off the pitch, but his recent performances almost make you feel that it is only because he has found another place to take all that non-sense; sadly that place is the pitch itself. Okay, in all honesty, he is still a decent player, and has actually added a bit of intelligence to his game as he has grown older, but while he is in possession, you could go off to make a remake of Around the World in 80 Days and still come back in time to see him make a pass. Slows down the game too much for my liking. And AVB would agree. Mark under the category ‘no longer required’ and send him off for one last hurrah in Qatar or something.

Paulo Ferreira – Good old Paulo. Still works his socks off in training and… well, that’s pretty much it. Hmm, he is mindful of his limitations, and does fill in a manner which could be loosely defined as adequate from time to time. He is committed and wants to stay, but I think if I was being paid £50k pw for doing relatively squat, I would too. You can’t help but feel the club could do better with getting his wages off the bill and giving someone young and promising a chance to get involved.

Salomon Kalou – You could erect another Berlin Wall between the sets of fans who feel Kalou is a superhuman super-sub and those who feel that he is, well, Kalouless. Me, I am one of those who feels that he is a half decent impact player who could still have a role at the club. But if he feels that he is good enough for first team football, let him go join up with Arnesen at Hamburg. The emerging Danny Sturridge could easily do his job. With one leg. Because he only has the left one.

Henrique Hilario – Old, not great and takes up a non-British slot as well. In an ideal world, he would get the boot, three times over. However, he just signed a one year extension and is not going. Sigh.

Jose Bosingwa – Rewind back to 2008-09, and Jose looked the answer to all our problems at right back. He could bomb down the right flank all day long, defend when needed to, and still not ask for a slushie. However, injuries have not been kind to the wee fella. He has looked a shadow of his former self of late and has made some costly individual errors. Time to let go while he still commands a transfer fee, if anyone else is interested in his services.

Yury Zhirkov – His time in Britain has not been nearly as good as his name suggests. Talented as he may be, he has found the regular first team opportunities that he craves hard to come by, because of various reasons. The logical thing to do would be to ask AVB if he features prominently in his plans, wait for the invariable no, and quietly send him back to Russia. With love.

Florent Malouda – The form player at Chelsea. When the team is on song, he gets in on the action and is a huge pain to play against. His goal and assist figures for the last season would have you believe that he was the standout performer at the club, while in truth he was invisible for large patches. Goes missing for considerable periods, and age is catching up with him as well. We could look to do a Newcastle and be in the market for someone younger, better, cheaper, but it wouldn’t pain me to see him still be at the club next season. Essien comes in a somewhat similar basket as well, only being a little younger, having a few extra years on his contract, and well, until last season being an absolute hero.

Who we need – A creative midfielder, a winger, a left midfielder and a right back

Who we will probably get – A bucket load of expensive strikers