Wenger and Ancelotti deny Fantasy Premier League has anything to do with it

After an embarrassing capitulation in the second half to their cocky rivals, Arsene Wenger was expectedly left facing a lot of questions to answer about his team and his methods. He adamantly denied that the new training regime involving volleyball games had anything to do with the conceded penalty and maintained that that was simply an effort to increase the average height of his team. However, our Irreverent Reporter (IR)© went about his business in true journalistic style, and finally nailed Wenger down to the real reason why Arsenal, like the college kid in all of us, went to sleep, set the alarm, hit the snooze button, and went back to sleep again in the second half. When asked though, Wenger was quick to jump in denial again,

“No. it eez not because van der Vaart is Captain of my Fantasy League team. My team haz been doing very well as it is and I don’t need to make any more transfers to improve their performance. Yes, of course I’m talking about Arsenal here.”

Pressed further about certain rumours that we had heard about his moving to a different job, Wenger continued, “There is no truth to the rumours that Shaikh ManCity will pick his next manager from the winner of the Managers’ private league. Our first loyalties always lie to our own clubs, which we have nurtured, loved and grown up with for over a decade now. I do not follow it that closely, I failed to use the two substitutions I had that other Gameweek and I decided against switching my formation to accommodate Delap against Liverpool. I do not  even care that I’m 6th in the league almost 13 points behind that fat f**k Allardyce and just two ahead of that dim-wit Carlo, who picks Ridgewell in his team on the day his own club plays them. Oh wait…”

On the back of that little slip up from Monsieur Wenger, our reporting team immediately raced from North London to South West London in our cockerel-outfitted dune buggy, as it seemed to be the only vehicle that would be greeted with any joy in London, to catch up with Carlo Ancelotti. When asked about the Ridgewell claim, Sheik ManCity and what the heck exactly happened with Ray Wilkins, Ancelotti was not as accommodating as Wenger in answering our queries. However, we did hear him walk off off muttering something about ‘that damned Frenchman’ and an exasperated comment about how one millionaire was bad enough.

Damned Frenchman, first he catches me smoking, now this…

London’s misery was Manchester’s joy though, as United played 30 minutes of attack vs defence in their Carrington training ground Old Trafford against a Wigan Athletic team who Roberto Martinez admitted ‘should’ve been a little more cool’. Hugo Rodallega has apparently been banned by the club from watching Jackie Chan movies just before the game (while Evra has been encouraged to do exactly that by the United staff), and Alcaraz has been sent to the team optician to re-confirm whether he can perceive ‘ball’ and ‘player’ as two different objects at all. In the few quick words that we could get out of Rooney before Colleen started walking towards us waving Kai’s crib, he told our Irreverent Reporter (IR)© that he was feeling fine after the injury, and was amused why he’d heard this ‘so how do you feel now, returning after all that mess’ question so many times today. Paul Stretford gently nudged him away before we could mention anything about the contract. Sir Alex merely laughed away our question about the ManCity Managers’ Fantasy League with ‘Oh, they give you a whole season?’ and pointed out that Mancini was currently 14th in the league.

The Premier League is now thinking about launching an investigation into allowing managers to play the Fantasy League on the back of our sensational revelations. We are glad to have done our bit for the betterment of the game, as opposed to The Sun, which almost always seems to do its bit only for the betterment of Cheryl Cole’s cup size.