The Spor(t) Repor(t)

Nation, that is my ankle scan from after a recent game of soccer. And if you’re wondering why my ankle looks perfectly normal, that’s because I don’t play soccer.

Most Americans might dismiss soccer as stupid or fat but the fact is, the rest of the world has spoken in its funny accent. That’s why I personally still try to keep an open mind because England, after all, are our allies and we share many of the same economic and social

goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllsss!

However, it’s pretty hard, because for me, England and football are forever associated with an oil spill of such devastating magnitude that we actually considered detonating a nuclear device to get rid of it.

Some oil spills are more equal than others

And my attempts to appreciate the “sport” are thwarted by the fact that two best players in the game look like an elf and a fairy in no particular order. And all the complicated soccer jargon like “chim chimery chim chimery chimchim cheroo“ and “squeaky bum time” definitely does not help.

Okay, now if someone can just explain what a "chimchim cheroo" is

Now, I’m not homophobic. Heck, I’ve even shared a train compartment with a gay man once. Nor am I saying that all soccer players are a bunch of marmite munching, donut punching pretty boys; they are, but that’s not the point. The point is that some of them aren’t even that pretty.

Which brings us to this man. Wayne Rooney, if you’re here from England, Weine Rooney, if you’re herr from Germany and Weiner Ooney, if you’re just here for the dick jokes, recently held his club to ransom by asking to leave, because, and I quote,

I want to win more trophies and be happy.

While money never figured in that statement, we can all agree that even though money cannot necessarily buy happiness, it can most definitely buy a wave runner.

And when was the last time you saw an unhappy person on a wave runner?

Moving on from blackmail, man-slaughter.

While in any real sport, the above would’ve been greeted with a life time ban, soccer officials went on record saying,

Well, that’s not really a bad tackle. It’s obvious he’s gone in with only one foot.

before proceeding to write down the man’s name on a yellow scrap of paper, possibly intending to get it autographed later on.

Is there anything that modern soccer stars with their multi-million dollar pay-checks can’t grease or buy their way out of? And if you said, soliciting an underage prostitute and statutory rape, know that you can take the Dog out of the Fight, but you can’t take the Ribery out of the Bribery.

Frankly, Nation, I haven’t felt this much disgust since the last time I was sexually harassed at my office. Speaking of sexual harassment at the work place,