The ‘real’ story behind Jack Wilshere’s arrest

The watching world was shocked when reports emerged from Kensington, West London that Arsenal starlet and Great English Hope XXXIV (succeeding Great English Hope XXXIII, David Bentley), Jack Wilshere, was arrested after a night club fracas. However BFZ Times can exclusively reveal that this is actually a smokescreen for something rather more sinister.

The first piece of evidence to suggest that somewhere, something was wrong about this perfect little picture was the fact that the ‘incident’ took place close to the office of The Paragon of Truth and Virtue, The Daily Fail. This small piece of information was enough for our Irreverent Reporter (IR) © ^TM to start digging for the ‘Real’ truth although that phrase has often confounded the BFZ news desk because of our inability to comprehend how there can be an ‘Unreal’ truth. The other option for an antonym – ‘FC Barcelona’ truth is equally oxymoron-ish as it is well documented that there is nothing truthful about the Catalan Club. As the IR © ^TM did his own bit of reverse engineering and the threads began unraveling, it became evident that the tale of deception that unfolded was not for the faint of heart.

The question that was just waiting there to be asked was; what in the name of Joey Barton’s now shaved off mustache was Jack Wilshere doing in a nightclub so well past his bedtime? Consider the facts here, Jack Wilshere is a teetotaler. While there is no one quite as adroit as him with a ball at his feet, we doubt he can do a John-Travolta-in-Grease impression quite as well. Hence, there can only be two explanations for this strange situation. Either young Jack is a Russian Spy or The Daily Fail, decided to engineer the entire episode. Only one person could have given us the answers that would’ve removed all doubt and Anna Chapman, Supermodel Superspy, was duly contacted for comment by BFZ Times. In the midst of a Siberian Bikini shoot for Pravda, she responded by giving us a tinkle of laughter at our suggestions of Jack’s defection, confirming our suspicion.

The next piece of the puzzle that needed to be forced in place was motive. Shockingly, it was revealed that the trigger that REALLY set this chain of events in motion was Fabio Capello’s decision to leave young Jack out of his Bulgaria Squad. Apparently young Jack did not meet certain pre-requisites which, in simple English, means young Jack is none of the following; Liar/Adulterer/Thief/Drug Peddler/Wife Beater/Ugly. Born out of this desperation was the move that ensured Jack spent the minimum compulsory one night behind bars, making him eligible to play for the serial tax evader England Manager.

The operation in itself was perfectly planned and played out. Witnesses place two other people at the scene of the incident. A large-ish cretin of a chap who complained to the investigating policemen that young Jack was constantly pulling him to the ground was identified to be one Chris Samba although his statement was met with general disbelief. Indeed if this situation were to arise in a football game any competent referee would have laughed in the accuser’s face and given him a yellow card. The young lady who suffered a broken limb and was in the center of the storm was identified by paramedics to be a cross dressed Ryan Shawcross who has been in the middle of storms arising from broken limbs before. General consensus is that ‘the bitch got what was coming to him’

The repercussions of this episode are likely to be severe. Notices were served on Jack by the legal counsel of the damsel in distress (who has a history of histrionics). The lawyer was identified to be the Right Dishonorable Tony Pulis who is renowned for lawsuit claims that border on frivolous; frivolous with the other border being ludicrous that is. Co-counsel for Mr. Pulis, Mr. Allardyce (alias) Disgusting Fat Walrus insisted on adding Wilshere’s employer to the lawsuit claiming none of this would have happened if not for the proliferation of the disgusting foreigners and their drinking habits into the good old English Way.

All of the above is the result of incredible investigative journalism which has uncovered irrefutable fact. We feel it is best thet we don’t compromise on our lofty principles of speaking nothing but the truth and refuse to delve into mindless speculation about the probable outcomes of the lawsuit. Otherwise we might just be doing an Alan Hansen and end up with egg on our faces. And THAT would be a real shame.