Road To UCL Semis: A Mountain Of C*nts, And Schalke

Me: Why hello, madam. You seem very sprightly and alive today. Not to mention a little big around the edges.

Fat Lady: Of course I’m alive, it’s my time. And what do you mean, big? You’re one to talk, baby Jupiter.

Me: I resent that. Nonetheless, why the ruckus? The scream you gave just now was particularly bloodcurdling.

Fat Lady: I’m testing my scales. I told you, my time has come. Also, I heard Jose Mourinho saying that he was going to ‘keep me onside’. I just want to sing and bolt before that comes to pass.

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I’m sorry, but I will never get tired of fat lady singing references. As far as the Champions League is concerned, that phase of the competition is definitely upon us. The semi finals beckon, a place on the pitch in Wembley beckons, and another two of the 147867 El Classicos this season so far beckon.

Teams in the last four usually deserve to be there, lucky cup runs rarely last this long. And so it is with Barcelona, Real Madrid, Manchester United and Schalke 04. All of these teams walk out in midweek completely on merit. Presenting below is a hazy and in parts factually incorrect road to the semi finals for the four teams in question.

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Barcelona (Cunts Who Play Good Football)

Really good football, in fact. Their route to the semis could have been far tougher than what it has been. Their group was bordering on laughable considering the talent the Blaugranians have in their tank. Panathinaikos, Copenhagen and Rubin Kazan as their opponents meant that the only surprise of the group was the number ‘two’ next to Barcelona’s draw column.

The round of 16 saw them rubbing their hands in temperate delight as they faced off against Arsenal, their rape victims from last season. The end of the first leg saw them alternately scratching their confused heads and rubbing their sore behinds as Arsenal counter attacked their way to a 2-1 win after Barcelona saw more of the ball. Pep’s men were determined to set things right in the second leg and did so, dominating possession like never before and winning 3-1 in a game marred by the controversial sending off of Robin Van Persie; a fact that still brings a bitter taste to many an Arsenal fans mouth.

Barcelona then steamrollered Shakhtar Donetsk, hardly the toughest quarter final opponents you’ll find in spite of their great performance in the CL this season.

Manchester United (Cunts Who Play Functional Football)

Interspersed with some good football too, mostly against Arsenal. But it’s the drop forge, mechanical, efficient side that’s been on show for a majority of their CL run. Their group was moderately tricky with opponents like Valencia, Rangers and Who The Heck Are Bursaspor. They reversed their away form in the League here, winning all their visits and finishing top of their group despite a stop-start Old Trafford run with two draws.

The round of 16 saw them draw Marseille, before drawing Marseille if you know what I mean. They played a really insipid match at the Velodrome and took back a really dangerous 0-0 scoreline back to Manchester. Fortunately for them, Javier Hernandez was at hand to hand them an important 2-1 victory and take them to a red-blue faceoff where United really came into their own.

They had desire, discipline, proper shape, flair, Big Game Park, sprinklings of everything over the 180 minutes as they saw off Roman’s rouble brigade after winning both legs. It must be said that Torres playing like a Siberian polar bear didn’t help Chelsea much.

Real Madrid (Special Cunts)

Who finally broke their torrid CL curse of not making past the round of 16 since the Triassic, when Emperor Jose brought with him a Midas touch, and half a new team. They finished the group stages with the best record among all teams, winning all matches but one; a 2-2 draw against Inzaghi inspired AC Milan.

They played Lyon, their vanquishers from last season, in the knockouts; a fact which had many reporters searching for potential déjà vu synonyms. A gritty 1-1 draw at their place though was followed by a ho-hum 3-0 Mourinho victory. No thrills, no nonsense, result getting football. Curse broken, bring on Tottenham.

I’m sorry; I couldn’t say that with a straight face. Bring on Tottenham indeed. Well, Tottenham brought it and Madrid bounced it around a bit for pleasure before creaming it out of the park. 5-0 aggregate victory, Madrid move on to another match with Barcelona, and the PFA Player of the Year goes back to his bananas and the Europa League.

FC Schalke 04 (Not Cunts)

Not yet anyways, and I like German teams as it is. They topped a pretty nondescript group of Lyon, Benfica and Hapoel Tel-Aviv with four wins, a draw and a loss.

Problematic opposition in the form of Valencia awaited them in the next stage, but a 1-1 result to bring home is probably one of the best ones. There was a heart-in-mouth moment as Valencia took the lead, before a Farfan brace and another goal by Gavranovic sent the Germans through.

The quarter finals was when they went from ‘Meh, Schalke’ to ‘Woah, Schalke’ as they wiped the floor with Cup holders and manager merry-go-rounders Inter Milan. They beat the Nerazzurri 5-2! in the away leg before wrapping things up at home to ease into the semis.

They’re definitely the surprise package. But speaking of package, the mouth watering one of Raul and Huntelaar up front is competent enough to give the United defence something to think about.

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And thus the battle enfoldeth on Tuesday dusk, and so forth. I think I’ve made it clear where my plastic fan loyalties lie for the semis at least.

We were founded in 1904

Evra is a herpes infected whore

Schalke, Schalke!

Bah, I’ve gone and jinxed them.