Off Season Blues

It’s been four months and seventeen days since I wrote my last post at BigFourZa (and if you thought I pulled that fact out of my ass, wait till you read the rest of this post). To put that into perspective, that’s almost twenty eight months in dog years, or in a more footballing context, a time when Chelsea actually had hopes of winning the Premier League.

The last four months have been quite a bitch, and to be honest, not just in dog years. I find myself at an impasse here. What I’m going to say next may well come as a surprise to a lot of you and so I’m going to have to ask you to sit down. Unless you’re still giving my most recent, hilarious picture caption on BigFourZa a standing ovation, in which case, keep going; I probably deserve it.

I’m really quite disillusioned with the reported transfer dealings going on at Chelsea. There, I said it. In fact, I’ve begun observing the transfer market with an almost zen-like detachment. “Surely, you can’t be serious! Surely, transfer gossip is the only window into what’s happening with the club?” you might exclaim. But in the words of the late, great, Leslie Nielson, I am serious… and stop calling me Shirley.

So why should this be an issue? After all, every football fan experiences a gamut of emotions in the off season: A warming of the cockles when you find out Barcelona are hosting wedding parties to balance their books; A shifting of the bowels whenever someone mentions “Chelsea” and “Financial Fair Play” in the same sentence; Mad cackling when you realize Mancini has incidentally been using Arsenal as a place holder for City’s youth system.

The point is that apathy is a gateway drug. There you are one day, not giving a single onion-bhaji about which new midfield sensation your club is being linked to,

and the next thing you know, you’re hooked on Crystal Meh.

It’s not like the media is helping. Between The Sun and the News of the World, everybody and their mother has been linked with a move to Chelsea, though I wouldn’t mind if we managed to sign Loretta, The Cafeteria Lady because she is quite the MILF i.e. Mother I’d Like (Chelsea) to Finagle. If the phone hacking scandal had not put the News of the World out of business for, their “transfer news” surely would have.

That they would hack not one, not two, but four thousand voicemail accounts begs the question – Are the editors of the News of the World bonkers? And more importantly – Are there really four thousand people who still use voicemail?

Chelsea have been trying their best to convince Tottenham to part with their little midfield maestro. I would love to see Modric come to Chelsea because he’s undoubtedly a ‘triffic lad. Every time I witness his intricate and complicated passing, I ask myself “Could anything else be this convoluted?” and then answer, “Probably the Giggs family tree” while sagely nodding to myself.

Chelsea have also signed Belgian youngster Thibaut Courtois and are also reportedly interested in Scott Parker since Essien’s knees seem to have no intention of honoring the contract his eyes read and his hands signed. In other news, Chelsea’s pursuit of a neighborhood tabby-cat to replace the long time club mascot has met with failure after they were priced out of the move on account of said cat being young and English.

More interesting however is the arrival of Roberto Di Matteo, who was an absolute stud for Chelsea. But like all great war horses, he had to be put out to pasture when he horrifically broke his leg. But despite the fact that his playing career was unfortunately cut short, I still welcome his addition to the coaching staff because his pedigree is unquestionable, which is not something you can say about Ryan Giggs’ nephews.

This brings us to the ex-Porto coach, current Chelsea coach, part time glamour model and full time ginger; thirty three year old Andre Villas-Boas. When Villas-Boas announced that it wouldn’t be a one-man show and told us how Chelsea would play as a team, his strong work ethic was apparent, and when he asked us to call him “The Group One”, so was his tenuous grasp on the adjectival form. Whether bringing in the thirty three year old Villas-Boas will turn out to be a masterstroke or another hare-brained youth-policy decision to buy young, only time will tell.

In the meanwhile, here’s a quick quiz for you to judge how much you know about Andres Villas-Boas:

Andre Villas-Boas is:

1. A suited-up extra from the cast of Reservoir Dogs.
2. A badly named boa constrictor.
3. Chelsea’s new manager. (Hint: It’s this one.)

If news sources are to be believed, Villas-Boas is most comfortable:

1. On the pitch, talking to his players.
2. Off the pitch, talking to the media.
3. In a designer suit and a slim-fit white shirt.

At the age of sixteen, Villas-Boas allegedly slipped a note under Sir Bobby Robson’s door. This note was a:

1. Ransom demand.
2. Tactical analysis of Porto’s usage of Domingos Paciencia.
3. Screenplay for a heartwarming romantic comedy where Zooey Deschanel and Katherine Heigl fall in love with his penis.