How Arsenal won the 2010/2011 Premier League, Jessie Venture posts from the future

Hello truth seekers.

I’ve just returned from a top secret mission into the future and while I know you’re all just dying to hear what happens with the Kolo Toure drug rap and the Ashley Cole shooting incident both of those have ties to my mission and I’m not at liberty to discuss them. Put it this way, the guns and drugs are the least of their problems.

According to our metrics no one will read this column and thus betting patterns will remain unaffected and so what I am allowed to tell you is not only that Arsenal won the Premier League title in 2011, shocking the sensibilities of the opinion makers in the press, but I can tell you how they won it match by match.

Now, before you ask I have to tell you that it’s not a DeLorean that you use to time travel — that is just silly Hollywood make-believe. No, it’s a Prius.

After extensive studies on the effect of driving a Prius our scientists discovered that the normal Prius has a time dilating effect. You know how when you’re driving one they are so gods awful, slow, and tedious that you feel like time has slowed down? That’s not just a feeling, that is a scientific fact; time slows down when you drive a Prius. Now, if you modify the electric engine in a way that I can’t tell you, then drive the Prius in reverse you can actually travel forward in time.

But you didn’t come here for the lecture on the relative time dilation effect of the Toyota Prius, you came here to get information on how Arsenal won the Premier League and where you should place your bets this season.

I think it’s March 4th right now and Arsenal are in 2nd place having played 27 matches, right? Right. Let me just get my bearings, time travel can be a bitch. I think we’re at the point in the season where Manchester United have played 28 and just lost to Chelsea, after which their manager had an ironic temper tantrum and called out the referee for not giving United every single call. He’s charged by the FA and after that he will go into Mubarak media lockdown and refuse to give interviews to anyone on any topic.

Of course, for throwing the toys out of the pram the FA just fine him and give him a 1 match touch-line ban but it’s the refusal to speak to the press that actually gets their goat far more than the interviews he actually gave. Things start to unravel for United this weekend when they lose a second game in a row this time to Liverpool.

Never underestimate the hatred that a true Scouse like Kenny Dalglish has for Man U. Down 1-0 at half time, Kenny whips the whole of Liverpool into a frenzy with a rousing speech that’s carried live over the radio. Liverpool come out and smash United 3-1 and Dalglish’s legend is re-born.

March 4th MiniLeague table, United is winning, oh no.

This is the place where the title race is blown open, because Arsenal beat Sunderland handily for the first time in years. Handing an injury depleted black cats a 4-0 hiding at the Emirates which not only puts Arsenal just one point behind United, more importantly, it gives Arsenal a superior goal differential and just two goals shy of the Goals For category.

Bet you didn’t know that. As it sits today both Arsenal and Man U have allowed the exact same number of goals; 27. I told Man U they should have bought Gary Cahill in January, after all you can’t win a Premier League title without an English center half.

The next week Bolton give United a nice game, by which I mean a 2-0 win, and Arsenal get revenge over West Brom with a 2-0 of their own. Then there’s an international break and miraculously no one gets hurt for Arsenal and even more miraculously some Man U players are allowed to play for their national sides. Still, everyone comes home healthy.

Arsenal then beat Blackburn and Blackpool 3-1 and 3-0 respectively. While United beat West Ham and Full Ham 2-1 and 2-0 respectively.

Going in to the game on the 17th, Arsenal are buyoed by the fact that Newcastle held United to a 0-0 draw the day before and eek a strange 1-0 win over Liverpool at the Emirates. It’s strange only because Arsenal don’t normally beat a Northern team when Howard Webb is referee. Arsenal are top of the table on 71 points, have a +42 GD, and a superior goals scored number of 70 to United’s 69.

In the mid-week replay, Arsenal can only manage a 2-2 draw away to Tottenham and now our game in hand advantage has evaporated. Still, Arsenal are two points clear of United at the top of the table and just 5 games left in the season. The big game is going to have to be Arsenal v. United, just as you always knew it would. Both Arsenal and United finish April with wins as United beat Everton 2-0 and Arsenal beat Bolton 2-1.

The big game comes and of course, Mike Dean is the referee. 2-1 win to United over Arsenal. They are back in the lead and all the papers are filled with headlines that Arsenal’s season is over. The Arsenal blogosphere erupts with headlines saying “Wenger Out, Nasri Out, Cesc Out, Denilson Out, Koscielny Out, ENGLISHMEN ONLY IN.” All these hysterics for nothing because Tim writes a blog explaining that the season isn’t over and United are only one point ahead. He uses the word “fucktards.”

Man U play Chelsea at Old Trafford the next week and despite Howard Webb awarding United two penalties, 7 minutes of added time,  and sending off both Essien and Cech, Chelsea shock the world as Torres scores and they win  2-1. Sir Alex of Baconface writes an op-ed column the next day decrying the state of English refereeing and calling for Howard Webb to be pilloried. Not metaphorically pilloried, but actually hung up in the center of Manchester on a pillory.

Unfortunately, Arsenal can’t capitalize and only manage a 1-1 draw at Stoke City. I say unfortunately, because Arsenal are top of the table but only by dint of their superior goal difference and United get to play both Blackburn and Blackpool to finish the season while Arsenal have to play Villa and Full Ham.

United beat Blackpool 3-0 and go into the last day of the season on 79 points, having scored 77 goals and with a +42 goal differential. Arsenal pillage Villa for 5 goals and have 79 points, 81 goals, and a +47 goal differential. This sets up the most thrilling of final days the Premier League have ever seen. Neither United or Arsenal can lose either game. Neither Blackpool nor Fulham can lose either game as they are still in the relegation zone.

In the first half, Blackpool are crushed 3-0 and Arsenal have not managed a real shot on goal and are level 0-0. After the 75th minute United are up 5-0 and cruising. Arsenal have allowed a Hangeland header and are down 1-0. United score a sixth goal and the title race is looking over. But then a miracle happens. Arsenal score to get back in. Then an own goal and Arsenal are down 2-1. There are just five minutes of regular time left and Arsenal score a second to pull level. In the dying minutes, the city of Manchester are preparing the open top bus tour when the fourth official, Lee Probert, flashes 6 minutes of added time.

Arsenal score in the 95th minute, win the game 3-2. They are level on points with United at 82. They are equal on goal differential at +48. But Arsenal win the 2011 Premier League title because they scored 84 goals and United only scored 83.

Bet on it.

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