Arse Wars – Watto Cnut!

It’s been a couple of weeks, but ArseWars is BACK! This is the penultimate ArseWars post, with the final post to come from Daryl on Saturday- and trust me you don’t want to miss the finale of what has been such a fun series to work on and with such a funny fucker as Daryl. The pleasure has been all mine and I’ve loved every word he’s written. Well, almost every word. It’s been a little bit like a glimpse into the mind of a serial killer who is deciding whether to kill me and eat my brains or to just send me a new post for ArseWars. Luckily for me, he’s chosen the email option so far…

Anyway, today’s ArseWars!

Today’s episode takes a look at a peripheral character in the Star Wars universe. His name is Watto and he runs a junk shop and his hobbies involve scatology and keeping human slaves. He isn’t really a part of the heroes story and the story could have quite easily been told without him even existing. He is an appendix in the fact that he is both utterly useless and the best place for him would be in a medical waste bin along with some afterbirth and a couple of gerbils that have been found “crawling into dark crevices in the middle of the night.” Yes, Lucas could have done without him, but he threw him in anyway probably just to piss people off.

Look at him. What an ugly cunt. He looks like a turd with a pair of crusty wings. Watto is renowned around the shithole that is Tattooine as being somewhat of a specialist in collecting shit, giving it a bit of a clean and then trying to pass it off as being half decent. He is what you might call a wheeler dealer. But he wouldn’t like to hear himself being called that. No, Watto thinks of himself as much more than being a wheeler dealer and thinks that he is a proper businessman and not some scum from the slum who has lucked his way through life. Watto’s junkyard isn’t the first business he has had. He worked for some very trusting people before and single handedly ruined their businesses, breaking several intergalactic laws in the process by committing fraud.

Watto is also a feeder. For the uninitiated, a feeder is someone who gets sexual gratification from feeding a fat person, making them fatter and fatter. This short trailer illustrates it well I think.

Yes, Watto is a sick man who is not only a feeder, but keeps the greatest talent the universe has ever seen locked away in his disgusting slum. I am talking of course, about Anakin Skywalker, the man who is destined to bring balance to The Force. Watto also has very annoying personal traits that are very distracting. In short, Watto is a little shit of a character who the Star Wars universe would have been better off without.

Meet ‘Arry.

‘Arry Redknapp. The ArseWars saga coule have done without him being involved, except how can you run an Arsenal blog without having a pop at whichever poor mug is the Tottscum manager? From the days of Ossie “I can only pronounce it Tottingham” Ardiles to the days of David “I’m a dirty kerb crawler” Pleat, being the Tottenham manager has always meant two things. Firstly running the risk of catching diseases in that slum in North London. Secondly, being ready to accept that whoever you are, the Arsenal fans will sing about you mercilessly because you deserve it because you represent everything that we have been brought up to believe is evil. In many ways I feel sorry for ‘Arry, a self-confessed Gooner for accidentally walking into the firing line as I’m sure he’s a t’riffic bloke to have a pint with. But then he comes out with shit like this about Gooners…

Yep, ‘Arry is the Tottscum boss and as such it is every Gooner’s duty to give him shit until the next poor mug steps in to take his place. ‘Arry knew the risks and must have joined in on the terraces berating the scum from the slum up the road known as Tottooine, or known locally as Tottenham, or very locally to a lunatic called Ossie as Tottingham. As he has to endure 59,000 Gooners singing, “HE’S GOT A TWITCH, HARRY REDKNAPP HAS GOT A TWITCH,” he must be sitting there cursing himself for his bits of wheeler dealing (Don’t call him a wheeler dealer to his face) and alleged fraud (my lawyer has advised me to say) that saw him end up managing such a scabby team as The Scum. Still, at least he likes a good muck around in training as this video demonstrates…

It’s a shame that they stopped filming at that point because we would have seen him go to TwitchCon 8 as in this video…

Just like Watto, collecting useless shit and trying to pass it off as half decent, ‘Arry has resembled a squad of proper turkeys down at the Lane and it’s made watching them this season a lot of fun. The footballing powerhouse that is Blackpool FC, newly promoted barely scrapped through beating ‘Arry’s team of “Title Contenders” (Hahahahahaha!!!) 3-1 just a couple of days ago.

Watto kept the most powerful Jedi in the universe slave in his slum, denying the world selfishly by keeping him all to himself.  ‘Arry has got what is universally acknowledged by Sp*rs fans as “THE GREATEST PLAYER OF ALL TIME,” half man, half chimp, Gareth Bale. The poor Chimp-alike has been kept under lock and key at Shite Hart Lane with the zombie types and modern day lepers from the slum, all because ‘Arry wants him all to himself.

There is also evidence that El Twitcherino is a feeder. If you just take a look at Tom Huddlestone, he is clearly being kept on a diet of 18 kebabs, 14 pies, 23 lasagne’s and 8 litres of chocolate ice cream as a pre-training meal. Kinky Twitch is getting his rocks off by feeding this poor man as an experiment to see just what row the Huddlestone-guts will reach in Shite Hart Lane when he finally explodes. Something needs to be done. Some kind of reverse comic relief with Bono and Geldoff making the appeal.

“Every time you blink, Tom eats another cake. Think about that for just one second. It doesn’t have to be this way. What if it was your brother reaching for the Scotch Egg? What if it was your brother sat on the toilet so that there was a natural conveyor belt of FIFO (Food In Food Out) as a man with a twitch laughed at him? Just five pounds per month can put a stop to this. Call Tommy Relief NOW.”

‘Arry may not be with us for much longer. He may be going to Crown Court to answer allegations of fraud in the transfer market and he may soon be in the line for the shower looking like this…

Whatever happens to ‘Arry, it’s been fun singing about his twitch and as an England fan you would expect me to stop such songs and to sing his praises as my manager after he has bankrupted The Scum. I fucking won’t though- I’m never going to stop singing about his twitch! Just remember, he ain’t no wheeler dealer. ‘Arry Redknapp? Watto cunt!

The final Arse Wars will be here on Saturday before the cup final.

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