Arse Wars – Master Wenger (The Final Chapter)

Hello and welcome to the final Arse Wars post! I hope it has been as much fun for you to read as it has been for me to write and to get the emails from Daryl and laugh myself into a stupor. It’s been an honour collaborating with one of the funniest people I know and I can’t wait for any future collaborations we may do! Watch this space

While preparing this blog, I found a character that we completely forgot about and it’s only fair to share the picture of this midfield enforcer with you. Alex Dimitri Mace Windu Song Billong…

Daryl and I will return (Return of the Fatguys if Daryl puts some weight on) but until then, please keep visiting here and Daryl’s excellent blog www.rantingmad.com. Now over to Daryl for Arse Wars – The Final Chapter…

Hello and welcome to the last ARSEWARS post in the series.

Before we tuck into the final chapter I would like to take a moment and thank Keith for allowing me to be a part of this great series. I have enjoyed writing/photoshopping it with him, and enjoyed all your great feedback. So for that, I thank you all.

Now, onto the final character….

Yoda.

Yoda came the Star Wars universe in Empire Strikes Back. I discount for the moment his appearance in the prequels that came later. His appearance came in the form of a miniature mystical teacher who lived on a swamp planet called Dagobah. He appears to a young untrained Jedi wanna be called Luke Skywalker.

The motif for the whole Yoda thing is never assume a warrior has to be a big strapping hairy arses fella with a laser gun. He stands a couple of feet tall and is over 900 years old.

Now, when I first saw Yoda I thought “What the fuck? Is this the first attempt at Kermit that went wrong in the mould, and Frank Oz just used it instead of making a decent puppet?” But, within ten minutes you could see Yoda oozed knowledge and a cool logic that defied all you would expect.

Also, you gotta wonder.. Stuck on that shit hole planet for around 20yrs with no sign of a Mrs Yoda… Did he shag the wildlife? He did not have a picture of Leia as she was only a baby then, weird! Perhaps he knocked out a few Jedi wanks over some female wookie porn. Actually, the more I think about Yoda and sex (wrong,wrong,wrong) I reckon he was into a little bit of Jawa sex, or Ewoks.. The right height.. A bit hairy I’ll grant you, but beggars can’t be choosers.

And just how big is Yoda’s cock?

I mean, I’d say judging on the size of his frame, his knob even fully erect cannot be more than 3 inches surely? But, simply because he proves that you cannot judge a book by its cover I would not be surprised if it was a stonking 13 incher and 5inch girth… Hence why he needs his walking stick, to act as a counter balance to his swinging man meat.

Anyway, Yoda shows great skill in man managing the whiney little bitch Luke. He talks him into giving him piggy backs all over the swamp infested Dagobah landscape, doing all kinds of Jedi mind training and really pushing to the limits Luke’s self belief.

The one flaw with Yoda, is his insistence in doing things the hard way. He could have easily picked Lukes X-wing out of the swamp on day one to allow it time to be repaired. Thus saving Han & Leia from Darth & Boba Fett. However Yoda insisted that Luke waste time trying to mind-move it himself. TSK! Thus causing more danger and work for our intrepid heroes.

So where does this great thinking warrior with a 13 inch cock fit into the universe of Arsenal?

Say hello to Mr Wenger.

Arsene Wenger arrived at Highbury from Grampus Eight. Compared to the English league it was like going from Dagobah to the Death Star on a progressive and fiscal level of growth. He arrived to greeted by one question “Who the fuck are you mate?” from a 95% of most Gooners. Many were sceptical, they could not see this wiry, spectacled figure leading the tea lady to the tea pot let alone Arsenal to trophies.

I recall on one afternoon at an old job I had talking to a punter about Arsenal briefly as Wenger appeared on the TV. I will never forget the punters comment “Hmm, I don’t know.. I’m not sure about this guy… What can he possibly bring to the club?” At the time I sort of shrugged and agreed with the limited benefit of no knowledge of Mr Wenger.

Skip forward to the end of his FIRST full season in charge and this wiry man had delivered a title & FA cup to the fans. Arsene who? He showed that you don’t have to be a big mouthed, clattering ex England/Scotland player to know about footy. He proved also that the old saying `never judge a book by its cover` could not have been truer.

If you had told Arsenal fans when he arrived in 1996 that Mr. Wenger would bring

3 League titles,

5 Times runners-up in leagues

4 FA cups,

4 Charity shields,

1 Champions league final,

Champions league football EVERY year,

At least the quarter finals in the league cup every year and a few FA cup finals,

The unbeaten title winning season

The run of 49 games unbeaten….

Well, I’d bet most of those Gooners would have sold their mothers for that kind of success. This, makes the fact that some fools want him out of the job because he has not won a trophy in 5 years even more stupid. TWATS! However, just as Yoda likes to make it harder to achieve sometimes, our own Mr Wenger does to in his annual gamble with the defensive line up. Still, come the end of the season, we will see who is right. And quite frankly, I’ll be glad if it is the great man himself.

Now, I wonder if Mr Wenger has a 13 inch cock. What? Too much?

Well thank you for reading and I do hope you have enjoyed the posts by Keith & me.

Adios, and have a day!

STOP THE PRESS!

Keith here again, and as an extra special treat for you Arse Wars fans, we have two more images for you. The first one is the original incarnation of Arsene Wenger as the leader of the Republic, Mon Mothma…

The final Arse Wars image is something to get your juices going. You may remember this image that causes me sleepless nights (and wet dreams) to this very day…

Well, as a special treat, we upped the levels of sexiness with the one and only Robert “Dreamboat” Pires. You lucky, lucky Arse Wars fans deserve this! We give you, Le Bob Solo!

It’s been a pleasure. May The Force be with you!

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