Arse Wars – Han Rosicky

What’s up Gooners? You know the score by now. Over to Daryl for what is my personal favourite so far of the ARSE WARS saga! Wait until you get to the video!! Speaking of which, an anonymous Gooner has very kindly and brilliantly made a brand new intro video for this series! Thank you mystery Gooner- damn good work! Over to Daryl…

Please press play on the above video to begin this post.

Once again I am being allowed out of my padded cell to present another instalment on the ARSEWARS series.  Thanks once again to Keith for allowing me to play a part in bringing you the sometimes twisted but always worrying world of two passions colliding.

So, Han Solo eh.

I’ll be honest as a young lad of about 11 I think I was totally taken by the character of Han Solo.  I am sure I speak for thousands, nay, millions of boys aged 8-14 in 1977 who wished that they were Han Solo.

He was casual, cocky in a self assured way that only the benefit of his years could have shaped him.  And he was the captain of the Millennium fucking Falcon.  It’s like the best ship in the all of the Star Wars series.

Being Han Solo must have been metaphorically like being a clear foot taller than everyone in the room, with a cock like a cucumber and a shiny cool motorcycle outside to lean on.

When you add the fact his best mate was a sweaty, furry stinky wookie, then you know he got ALL the pussy when they went out.  It would have been like standing George Clooney next to Peter Stringfellow in a “who do you want to fuck girls?” contest.

Even the hair was cool.  He made Lukes stupid thatch hair do look like a home grown bowl cut.

Even in his darkest hour during Empire Strikes Back Han remains the man to be.

There he is, fresh from being tortured and about to be lowered into the freezing chamber so Bobba Fett can cash in a bounty.  Up steps Princess Leia and proclaims “I love you” in front of a waiting chamber. What does Han Solo do?

Does his bottom lip tremble like a 5 year old about to cry? No.

Did he sob as the piss ran down his leg in fear of his fate? No.

Did he fall to his knees and beg like a whore begging for crack for mercy? No.

Did he softly return the act of affection and tell Leia he loves her too, and regrets the time they may never see together? Does he fuck!

He replies in his cool vocal tone  “I know”.  Balls like fucking melons!

While others would have crumpled like a paper machete balloon Han still looks cool.  In fact at that moment he was way cooler than any shit they were going to lower him into.

Ha! Han Solo 1 Bad Guys 0 me thinks.

I am about to share something with you and before I do I will say I am not proud of myself… But here goes.

At a tender 17yrs of age I was going out with a girl.  It was a sort of “her mate dates my brother and I have to date her” type thing.  We had been going out with each other for a few weeks and things were ok.

However, when it came to the bedroom section she had a problem… I’ll be as delicate as I can with it, but forgive me if you dinner comes up…

Let’s just say she needed to up her `personal hygiene routine` and leave it there (as I stifle the vomit from the memory of the stench that I had locked somewhere dark and deep in my mind)

Now I decided to end it with her, but knowing that she was a little  emotional, and I was a little `cowardly` when it comes to letting the fairer sex down gently I thought it would be best to do it in a way that she may laugh about in a few day time…

In my teenage wisdom I decided that the best way to dump a mentally, emotionally growing girl (17) was to cut together sound clips from Star wars films to make a message telling her she was surplus to requirement. One clip I used amongst the 3 minute message was Han Solo in the hallway in Empire Strikes Back “Don’t go all mushy on me”

Now once the recording was ready I trusted my brother to play it to here.  As I said, I’m not proud…

Here is a reconstructed version of the tape. Press play to “enjoy.”

Cut to ten minutes later as said girl runs in floods of tears from my house.  I pop my head in the room where my brother & her mate (his then girlfriend) are sat.  His girlfriend looking disgusted at me while he tried desperately to hold back his smirk…

“Well, that went well” I offer….

As repeated said, I’m not proud… But come on, how many women will get the chance to be dumped by Han Solo eh? That’s got to count for something? No?

So, where does this tie in with the universe of Arsenal I hear you ask (I’m lying, I can’t hear you really)

Well I consider our very own Tomáš Rosický as a sort of Han Solo.  He has been out of action with hamstring & tendon issues like Han was out of action while he was Jabba the Hutts wall mount.

Rosický also is somewhat of an elder statesman in our young team.  He serves up crosses at great game (v Liverpool for Diaby) and again for CM29 (v Liverpool) in Aug last year.

You see, he is just like Han Solo showing up to help Luke finish of the death star in `A new hope` Tommy shows up to assist when you least expect him to.

He is cool, despite the fact he gets only limited game time (17 this year I think).  And be honest, the hair do compared to Songs looks so much cooler.

And secretly, I think he is banging our own Princess Leia.. But keep it to yourselves eh.

Well its back to the padded cell for me.  I hope we get custard with ice cream today.  The nurse said it was custard day…. I’m sure she did… what day is it? Who is the president? Nurse, nurse! It’s happened again…

Catch Daryl on twitter here. Or read his blog. Adios amigos.

Arse Wars is a collaboration between myself and the brilliant Daryl Booth. For more of the same, visit Daryl’s brilliant blog rantingmad.com

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