Arse Wars – Darth Van Persie

Hello and congratulations on making the weekend! I’m looking forward to smashing Wolves at ours tomorrow in revenge for some real cuntery from their moron fans after Wolves away this season. Send them back up the motorway feeling humiliated and questioning their lives is the bare minimum for me.

Onto some ArseWars action, and once again I am privileged to hand over to my co-conspirator, the one and only Mr Daryl Booth. After today’s post, there are only two more ArseWars posts and then that’s it! Finito! We’ve purposefully saved some of the best ones for the end as a special treat to you! 8-o win tomorrow. Over to Daryl…

Welcome to another post in the ARSEWARS series. Firstly I must thank Keith for rescuing me from the sex swing & gimp outfit. You know, I am beginning to think those secure institute nurses are not real nurses. They don’t even use KY!

Anyhow!

Today we look at the character of Darth Maul. This dark sith lord first appears in Episode I: The Phantom turkey! Regular readers will know I am not a massive fan of this film. It ushers in the pointless Jar Jar Binks character & also the young version of Obi-Wan. The clunky way McGregor shoe horns in the “I have a bad feeling about this” line makes me cringe each time I watch it. Hell, I don’t even bother putting on my Jedi Knight robe for this film, let alone put fresh batteries in my light sabre What? What did I say? Too soon?

The film however, does bring in Darth Maul. A sinister warrior who has great skill and perception. I always think they killed this character off to quickly. He was smashing (not in the Richard Keys way) in just about every scene he played.

Darth Maul was full of guile and determination to achieve his goals. He demonstrated such ruthless will in order to best his enemy. But lets just look beyond the `bad points` to his evil self..

When creating Darth Maul, George Lucas intended him to be “a figure from your worst nightmare”. A silent ninja assassin if you will. For me, I always wondered if his cock was all tattooed like his face too. I mean, explain that to the lady friends.

Scene opens in Mos Eisley bar.

Lady “Hey, Your patterned face is kinda sexy”

Darth “hmm, yesssss”

Lady “So, you wanna hang out? Maybe come to my place?”

Darth “erm, well.. Erm… Yesssss”

Cut to later that night at Ladys` place in the bedroom…

Lady “So, you gonna undress? Let me see the good stuff honey.”

Darth “Oh yessss”

Drops his gown and reveals his `mini sabre` complete with weird tattoo pattern..

Lady “Erm, fuck! I mean sorry. I just never seen a cock that small with that much ink, did the dude who inked you have a special needle and magnifying glass?”

Darth looks shocked and angry “Erm, well.. Erm… FUCK YOU!”

Lights up double ended sabre and slices her head off, then sits crying in the corner of the bedroom full of self loathing…

End credits!

So, where were we.. Ah yes.

In the Arsenal universe I see Robin Van Persie as our own Darth Maul. Hear me out. Our own RvP is an assassin who can strike when least expected. He can change a game with a couple of touches. Who could ever forget `that` goal against Charlton

The man can do so many great things, but does sometimes show a dark side

That said, that red was against those rugby playing arse-pipes Stoke, so it should be applauded.

As with Darth Maul, as good as he is at what he does, at any given moment you can see him being sliced in half by an enemy just as easily as he can score a goal.  I suppose the difference is his enemies are generally cunt akin to Adebuywhore rather than wholesome Jedi knights.

Despite being blighted by injuries from shit tackles and interlull duty RvP is still (when given a run without injuries) one of the most lethal strikers we have. At the time of writing this post he is on 10 goals in 18 appearances, with 5 assists. Imagine if we ever manage to get him for a WHOLE season instead of 1/3rd of a season!

Hopefully for the remainder of this campaign we can see the deadly version of RvP as opposed to the getting sliced in two Van Persie. Darth is dead! Long live Van Persie!

Right I am off back to the `treatment room` for medicine…

Bye!!

Arse Wars is a collaboration between myself and the brilliant Daryl Booth. For more of the same, visit Daryl’s brilliant blog rantingmad.com

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