Arse Wars – Anakin Cescwalker

Well here we are folks, another episode of ARSE WARS!  Once again, massive thanks to co Arse Wars righteous dude, Daryl Booth and Mystery Gooner X for the video! Please press play on the below video to begin today’s episode.

In today’s episode, we will be examining the most important character in the Star Wars universe and the most important player in the Arsenal universe, err.. team. I am talking of course about Anakin Cescwalker. We’ll start by examining Anakin.

Anakin

Anakin is first seen in Episode I (assuming you watch the series in chronological order) as a young slave with a dodgy haircut, living in a slum working for a wheeler dealer, Watto, who treats his slaves like scum and Anakin looks destined to spend his whole life there. That is, until a couple of wise men, Jedi’s, arrive and recognise his potential. The wise Jedi’s muster a deal that (alleged) conman and fraudtser Twitchy Redknapp would have been proud of. They whisk young Anakin away to a superior place so that he can begin training and learn how to utilise the obvious talent that he had inside him.

Episode II sees Anakin training and then representing the Jedi’s in missions and battles and he even saves the day, living up to all expectations and surpassing them even though he picked up an injury in the way of having an arm cut off. The master Jedi’s all wait patiently to see if Anakin will fulfill the prophecy and be the one that finally brings balance to The Force. Anakin often displays a nasty side, killing Sand People like they are Wamp Rats. (That’s a Star Wars joke.)

Fast Forward to Episode III and we see an Anakin that is at the top of his game. He has won many battles and become an accomplished Jedi. The Emperor has also caught his attention with wild promises based on lies and Anakin is in turmoil over what to do. The mother of his unborn twins, Luke Skywalcott and Princess Nasri, Padme is most upset by his actions and begs and pleads with him. We then see her crying as he turns to the Dark Side, telling him, “Anakin, you’re breaking my heart.”

Master Yoda tells a distraught Obi Wan Kenobi, “The boy you trained, gone he is. Consumed he is by the Emperor.”

Cesc

Cesc was first seen as a youth player with a dodgy haircut (mullet), living in a slum called Barcelona who treat their players like slaves and scum. Cesc was destined to remain playing for the evil Empire for his whole life. That is, until a wise man, Master Wenger arrived and recognised Cesc’s potential. The wise Master Wenger mustered a deal that Spuds manager and fake Spanish robbery victim, Hairy Redsack would have been proud of. He whisked young Cesc away to a superior place in North London so that he could begin his training and learn how to utilise the obvious talent that he had inside him. He also took him to a half decent barbers on Holloway Road to sort that mullet out.

A season or two into Cesc’s Arsenal career sees him progressing to the first team and saving the day on several occassions, living up to all expectations and surpassing them, sometimes playing with injuries and scoring penalties against the evil Barca Empire with a broken leg. The Gooners all wait patiently to see if Cesc will fulfill the prophecy and be the captain that finally brings silverware back to The Arse. Cesc often displays a nasty side, cutting down players like they are Spuds fans. (That’s an Arsenal joke.)

This video demonstrates just how powerful Cesc had become

Fast Forward to 2010 and we see Cesc at the top of his game. He sets up the winning goal to secure the World Cup and has become an accomplished footballer. The evil Barcelona has caught his attention with wild promises based on lies and a Sith campaign of non-stop mentions in the media by agents of the Empire and dressing him in a Barca shirt during the celebrations. The Gooners are most upset by his actions and plead with him to stay. We see them crying as he flirts with Barca, telling him, “Cesc, you’re breaking our hearts.”

The last thing Gooners want to hear at a press conference is Master Wenger saying, “The boy we trained is gone. He was consumed by Barcelona.”

Cesc is Anakin. Watch this short trailer, knowing that us Gooners are Obi Wan and Padme and Cesc is Anakin and you will see exactly what I mean.

So what happened to Anakin after Episode III and more importantly, what will Cesc do now? Well, Anakin became Darth Vader, killed some children, destroyed some planets, missed an opportunity to get jiggy with Princess Leia (luckily, seeing as it turned out to be his daughter) and then in the very end he saved the day by throwing the evil Emperor down a shaft and destroying him, finally bringing balance to The Force.

I propose that Cesc takes the same route, but skips out the becoming Darth Fabregas part and the child-killings and goes straight to the destroying the Evil Emperor in the Champions League Quarter Final. Cesc Fabregas is Anakin Skywalker. He is that damn good that he has the power to either break the hearts of Gooners by leaving or staying and winning trophies with this club. Don’t turn to the Dark Side Cesc, you’re breaking our hearts.

Arse Wars is a collaboration between myself and the brilliant Daryl Booth. For more of the same, visit Daryl’s brilliant blog rantingmad.com

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