Arse Wars – AL3PO

Hello my lovlies.

Getting ready for the home again against Wigan and I’ve just seen that Twitchy is at it again and is pulling an insurance scam trying to say that he was mugged in Spain. The sick bastard even spouted off his fantasy of a man on his knees tugging away at his trousers while some else did him from behind. I’m not sure how much a Spanish rent boy costs, but I would hazard a guess it’s probably EXACTLY the amount that Twitchy has put his dodgy claim in for. This man needs to be stopped. Speaking of Spanish Rent Boys, over to Daryl…

Hello once again. As always I would like to thank Keith for posting my slight deranged musings on his fine ARSEWARS series.

So, straight into business.

C3PO, a posh waddling robot who minces about getting in the way. In fact I cannot recall him doing anything even remotely helpful until Return of the Jedi. When, he hilariously manages to become a Ewok point of worship. And even then the useless shiny twat almost gets Han and chums spit roasted (no, not in the Chelsea Xmas party way)

He is, at his most fucking useless in The Empire strikes back. He had the chance to stop a chain of events that would have saved Chewie, Leia & Han from being tortured and frozen. I speak of course of the moment in the film where he stumbles into a side room that has hidden storm troopers in it. Rather than turning and running or shouting loudly he does a sort of diluted `Hugh Grant bumbling English upper class tool` impression.

Actually, come to think of it Hugh Grant came after Empire strikes back, so perhaps Hugh has based himself on C3PO. Except the bit where Hugh gets caught catching a blow job from a whore in a car… I don’t recall that scene in Star Wars.

Anyway, thanks to C3P0 not raising the alarm the events thereafter are all his doing. From Han being frozen, to Leia having to wear that outfit and strangle Jabba. Well done you tosser!

As you can see, I’m not a massive fan of the character, for me he was the first draft of would years later become Jar Jar fucking Binks. So you will get no change from me. I was never happier than when he has his arse blown apart in Empire strikes back and in Return when his eye gets pulled out by Jabbas little pet thing.

So, where does he fit in the Arsenal universe.

Meet Manuel Almunia, our number 1 goal keeper (yes, I laughed too) . The man who has quite literally gone to pieces for Arsenal in the last year or two. From a possible replacement from Jens he slipped to the `injured` understudy to two keepers who most fans cringed at last year.

Now, I know its easy to kick the keeper when he is down (ask Ian Wright), and you could argue that if we had the back four of circa 2002 Almunia may have had a different Arsenal career. But we don’t, and he didn’t! So when you see him concede goals at the Emirates to West Brom, and one of them is a hot headed penalty give away, I feel he gets the criticism he deserves.

Aside from the bumbling indecision shown by both Almunia & C3P0 they also have other shared traits. In many games Almunia was saved blushes by Arsenal scoring more times than he conceded. Much like when Chewbacca carried tin head in the Empire strikes back after he is left in bits, Cesc and co have carried Almunia in games. Another trait is the bad decisions. Almunia rushing out or attempting a punch-away is like C3P0 insisting R2D2 is going the wrong way in Star Wars IV. And then he ends up on a Jawa transport… Nice!

Also if R2D2 had listened to that fucking fool C3PO, Ben Kenobi would never have seen Leia in the message she stored for him. Thus the film would have been 121 minutes long of which around 110minutes would have been a sand castle building contest.

So there is my comparative of the two. I am off to take my medication and lie down.

Catch me on twitter here. Or read my blog. Adios amigos.

Arse Wars is a collaboration between myself and the brilliant Daryl Booth. For more of the same, visit Daryl’s brilliant blog rantingmad.com

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