ALMUNIA-THE PISSED OFF ANIMAL

Aite then, I know how it looks and you’re right. I’m scrambling for positives here. It’s kinda sunk in, hasn’t it? Almunia is our man at the back and well, unless every football body in the world scraps the transfer window concept that’s how it’s going to stay till… January… and maybe even beyond.

Why would I say beyond? Well, I’m not the kind to hold grudges going to have a go at the guy who’s work plays a BIG part in our title chances, am I? Anyways, here’s how I want things to go with Almunia against Bolton on 11th:

1. Almunia enters. Wild eyed and wild haired, gnashing his teeth at the fans and basically beating his chest till the red shines through his kit.
2. He goes to goal, gives the pole (not Flappy) a kick and he then decides to kick the crossbar and promptly does so with a backflip that would have made Jet Li go “Shénme shì dìyù”.
3. As Kevin Davies elbows himself through the defense Almunia charges out and tackles the poor fella’ American Football style.
4. As Klasnic (or whoever the other guy is) wins a pelanty after a dive Ronaldo would have been proud of, Almunia promptly performs a belly flop on the sprawled body that I would be proud of.
5. ‘Whoever/Whatever’ prepares to take the pelanty. He shoots, Almunia saves (don’t laugh) and Almunia gets up, does the moonwalk whilst flashing the finger at every Arsenal fan in sight.
6. We’ve won the match by a convincing six-nil (it should have been seven, but apparently a Almunia’s nose breaking challenge on Jaaskelainen in the 94th minute was much too rash) and as Wenger gives his post match interview to SkySport’s Rob Palmer and Almunia rushes into the frame and Rob Palmer is told, for the second time in a very short span of time, to “f**k off” on television but this time in a rather suave Spanish accent by our very own Almuniaaaaaaaaaa!

Six. Six moments of madness. Six moments of madness in roughly two hours. Six moments of madness in roughly two hours that could mark the dramatic upswing in a certain Spaniard’s career. Admit it, mad goalies are the best and it’s been proven on more than one occasion. We loved every moment of Lehmann and his madness and his goalkeeping wasn’t too shabby was it? Certainly better than where Almunia’s at now.

Maybe that’s what’s needed. Maybe Almunia needs to stop acting like he’s at a funeral after every save he makes and perform the odd jig once in a while and maybe grab Clichy by the shoulders and shake him up like a bottle of fruit juice. Imagine that. That would be a sight to behold wunnit? Think about it. Have you ever seen Almunia actually go crazy in recent history. As in, really go wild. That’s what goalies need to do. They’re not usually in the mix of things so what better way to keep the adrenaline flowing that beating your chest and glaring down strikers? Imagine having a glaring at Drogba. The sheer amazement at his own guts should make Almunia go wild.

That’s one reason I don’t like that Casillas bloke. I mean, he’s brilliant and all that, but every time he makes a save and he gets up he looks like he’s been awoken from dreams about ponies and fairies who cry wads of cotton candy. Goalies are just such a different deal. They’re not raging animals like outfield players. They’re more like caged animals trashing about and rattling the bars. Seeing them big, burly goalkeepers jump about and scream sort of resembles an overweight eighty year old man having a ball of a time at a punk rock concert doesn’t it? It’s what makes them so lovable and for me, a player only does well when he feels loved. He’s only going to put everything out there when he knows people love him.

That’s right folks, love makes football… football. I know I sound like a love struck teenage girl here, but that’s only if you think love is synonymous with flowers and kisses. The love I talk about is passion and that, my friends, is a give and take sorta thing. Look at Bellamy. You honestly think the idiot has admirers? People who cheer his every move? People who see only the good and turn a blind eye to bad? I didn’t think so. Now why do you think that is? He’s good (no denying that please), he’s quick and he’s definitely useful if you just want to go out there and rattle the opponents but why on earth doesn’t he have such people? I’ll tell you why. The guy just isn’t lovable. He’s in fact detestable. Everytime I see that brutish face and the weird tattoos, I search for a barf bag or just walk over and puke in my Man Utd. loving friend’s shirt.

So, at the end of all this, I proclaim (I feel like the God of Love after writing all this), it’s time for us Gooners to get ourselves behind Manu and show him some looovvveee (now I feel like a sermon giving black priest). He’s definitely a lovable guy isn’t he? Maybe he feels we’ll laugh at him if he shows us a few moves on the pitch or summat but whatever the matter I think it’s time for us to show him how much we truly love (bro love, homie!) the guy.

If you felt reading all this was a waste of time, I apologize. Too many Mountain Dews and a fever are making me feel slightly delirious. If you didn’t then, to quote Apu of the Simpsons- “Thank You! Come again!”